Diary

Lucy’s Diary 04/06/2017


Living With Anxiety/Depression Part Four

I remember waking up and seeing a tall man dressed in black standing at my open bedroom door. I was lying in bed scared out of my wits because I didn’t know who this man was. He came closer to me and I tried to move and to scream, I couldn’t but I kept trying. I could still see the man almost at my bed but I could also hear my screams now and a woman telling me it is o.k.

Then I woke for real and the woman was my mum who had heard me screaming and tried to wake me up. I was a teenager and this was my latest reoccurring anxiety dream. Another thing that used to happen at this point in my life was every time I tried to go to sleep there was a repetitive noise in my head that used to get faster and faster and faster. I used to try and block it out by covering my ears with my hands or singing a song to distract myself but the noise was inside my head, you can’t run away from what is inside you. This noise was one of the reasons I would write, before I went to bed I would tell myself a story to distract myself from, well, myself.

When I was in primary school I used to get two reoccurring dreams, both involving my dad. He appeared in them like a cardboard cut out forever smiling but he always died. One involved a shark, he would get pulled under the water by it with this grin on his face registering no pain and there would be no blood but my dream self knew I would never see him again. The second involved me searching for him in a wood and calling for him until I would eventually find him being pulled into a hole with the same grin on his face and the certainty I wouldn’t see him again. I didn’t know it then but they were anxiety dreams.

 

One of the last anxiety dreams I had I woke up in bed looking at my husband who was asleep with his back to me and the Grim Reaper sitting on the bed next to him. I thought I must be hallucinating so I scrunched my eyes shut but when I opened them again he was still there with scythe in hand. The Grim Reaper sensed I was awake and the black hole under his hood turned over to look at me. In my head I said “No not him, take me instead”. We stared at each other for a moment, I blinked and the Grim reaper was gone, I checked my husband was still breathing. I rolled over onto my back and my husband was standing at the open wardrobe door fully dressed with his arms out in front of him, palms up. Then I must of actually woken up but it’s hard to tell with these dreams as I was still lying on my back and the wardrobe door was open but no hubby was there as he was lying in bed with his back to me asleep, I checked his breathing just in case.

I have taken anti depressants for five years now and they have stopped all of the above happening even if they do make me extremely tired I’d rather not be scared out of my wits pretty much every night. As much as I am a believer in not completely relying on medication the likes of St Johns Wort, exercise and meditation do not help with this aspect of anxiety and depression I can tell you!

By Lucy Williams

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