Diary

Lucy’s Diary 26/06/2017


Social Media Part One

Like most millennials I am rather attached to social media and just my phone in general. I have to check whenever we go away that there is WIFI, if not it stresses me out! People over a certain age (40,sssshhh, I didn’t really say that) ask “what did you do before you had a mobile” Well I don’t know because I have had a mobile since I was 13, as I said, I’m a millennial. Admittedly it was before Apps and where the game to have was Snake and when you could drop your Nokia 3210 out of a two story window and it wouldn’t break but still.

I have had a Facebook account for years, for a while it was the only social media account I bothered with and it was great, I was in my early twenties and went on nights out with “friends” a lot with us all taking millions of photos. Facebook was a place where we could organize our busy social lives and share those cringy and also occasionally nice photos.

Now I am on the other side of 30, and hopefully a tad bit more mature (falls on the floor laughing), nights like that don’t happen instead it’s more sedate (mostly) meals and days out,  holidays and faffing with the home. I don’t have loads of “friends” but instead a few chosen true and brilliant actual friends and I am much happier for it.

So Facebook is now a tad redundant to me. It’s all people insulting others who are supposedly their family and friends because they don’t have the exact same opinion as them and selfie after selfie after selfie after………..you get the idea, which is also the reason I don’t do Snapchat.

As you can probably guess I have decided I am not doing Facebook anymore so will be deleting both my private and Lucy Williams accounts. I figure that if I don’t have your number or see you on a regular basis then we are obviously not friends but more acquaintances so Instagram and Twitter will suffice.

Instead I am now addicted to Instagram and Twitter. On these accounts I can follow people I am actually interested in instead of having to follow people because we happen to have gone to school together 15 years ago or some cousin twice removed that I never see in real life or whatever and there is far too much “politics” if I unfriend you.

I know many of you have Instagram and Twitter and I love catching up on what you lot are up to as we follow each other on the basis that we are interested in the same sorts of things and that is great and what I think the internet is all about. Social media definitely has it’s bad points but it is how, for my whole adult life,  we organize and communicate around our busy lives. Who has time for phone calls when you are on a bus and the other person is trying to make dinner? I know some will feel a longing for a time when you took the time out of your day and chatted over the phone but us lot? we know no different than this.

By Lucy Williams

Poem's Mixed

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Whenever I look at a willow tree it reminds me of the beauty and strength in crying.

I wonder at it’s pretty tears of leaves making their way into a constant stream down into the river below.

Whenever I look at a willow tree is occurs to me they are always by a river of tears.

By Lucy Williams

Diary

Lucy’s Diary 18/06/2017


Father’s Day and Grans Birthday

Happy Birthday first of all to my Grandma. It is my Dad’s mum’s birthday today and she is 94 and my only living grandparent. Below is her on her wedding day in the 50’s. Unfortunately she has dementia and is in a home with no clue as to who I am, which wouldn’t stop me visiting but this home is also in Surrey and we all live in Nottingham. Mind you if my hubby and his brother are anything to go by even if I was lucky enough to have her living nearer I still wouldn’t go very often but I guess you don’t know how lucky you are all the time.

But of course I sent her a card and I usually write a note in which the carers at the home show and read out to her which will hopefully bring her some pleasure for a little bit if nothing else. I’m hoping to go down and see her soon, it is so expensive with petrol and hotels etc that I can’t do it as often as I would like.

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As you know it is Father’s day today to but my Father is currently travelling back from a holiday in France with my Mother via my Grandma’s as well as all our work schedules not coordinating so we all won’t be available for present swapping until Tuesday evening.

Also the photo’s from my wedding are literally the only photos of me and dad. This is for two reasons;

  1. Me and my dad are the photographers in the family so we have one or other of us in a photo but not both.
  2. I hate pretty much every single photo ever taken of me apart from my wedding ones.

I think both me and dad hated the walking down the aisle bit equally for as well as the interest in photography I also take after him in shyness lol I will always remember my dads face when he first saw me in my wedding dress, it still makes me smile when I think of that moment.

I consider myself very lucky to have my dad walk me down the aisle. One of my close friends dad died when they were very young and another friend had a relationship with their dad at the time of her wedding that was so bad he wasn’t there at all.

So Happy Father’s day to my dad but also to all the absent ones residing in Heaven and a hug to all those that don’t have a good/no relationship with their dad’s, believe me I understand this more than you would think or I am capable of putting into words xxx

Karen and Jon (207)

Diary

Lucy’s Diary 17/06/2017


Home Sweet Home Part Three

I have become a little obsessed with all things home related. I was 24 when we bought our first and current home. At that time we were both working full time, I was studying for a G.C.S.E in psychology and volunteering for the Samaritans as well as having a busy social life. As you can imagine I didn’t have the time and energy to bother too much about the house other than both of us doing a whole house clean once every week.

But then I got ill and was forced to seriously slow life down. I now only work 16 hours, finished and passed my G.C.S.E with a B and had to give up volunteering. I can’t just be a spectator in life though, I see at the moment so many people about my age who have suddenly got to 30 ish and thought SHIT what am I doing? I have not encountered that problem so far.

So my life now has just taken a slower pace but I have made sure it is still fulfilling. For starters I began writing again, starting this blog, Instagram and Twitter as well as publishing books on Amazon. We rescued a little dog that takes up quite a bit of my time and also keeps me company when hubby is off at work and makes me feel better when I have my bad days. And now I have got into everything home related, after all I am in my home a hell of a lot more than I used to be!

I now do some form of cleaning everyday and have decided that I want to do up our home as I am sick of staring at all the glaring problems and making it look nice and fixing what needs to be fixed is only going to be good news when selling it in the not too distant future. Once I have finished pimping this house hopefully we will be ready to move to another and I can start all over again : D. Recently I have started up a second Instagram account all to do with the home, the improvements we are making etc just look for @meandmylovelyhome if you want to join me. I hope to see you there xxx

By Lucy Williams

Poem's Mixed

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Recovering from depression is a bit like being handed one of those 10,000 piece jigsaw puzzles.

You look at the photo of how you used to be on the front then at the pile of identical looking pieces in the box wondering how they are going to make up the whole.

You rummage trying to find the edges, excited whenever two fit together.

After day’s, weeks, months, your old face is starring back at you

But it’s not quite like the one on the box front because you can still see where all the pieces have joined together.

By Lucy Williams

Poem's Mixed

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When I look into your eyes I can see your dreams.

There is a ship with white sails making its way across the blue of your iris,

A mini you is waving happily from the deck.

I wonder where you are going,

Wherever it is promise me you will take me with you.

By Lucy Williams

Diary

Lucy’s Diary 04/06/2017


Living With Anxiety/Depression Part Four

I remember waking up and seeing a tall man dressed in black standing at my open bedroom door. I was lying in bed scared out of my wits because I didn’t know who this man was. He came closer to me and I tried to move and to scream, I couldn’t but I kept trying. I could still see the man almost at my bed but I could also hear my screams now and a woman telling me it is o.k.

Then I woke for real and the woman was my mum who had heard me screaming and tried to wake me up. I was a teenager and this was my latest reoccurring anxiety dream. Another thing that used to happen at this point in my life was every time I tried to go to sleep there was a repetitive noise in my head that used to get faster and faster and faster. I used to try and block it out by covering my ears with my hands or singing a song to distract myself but the noise was inside my head, you can’t run away from what is inside you. This noise was one of the reasons I would write, before I went to bed I would tell myself a story to distract myself from, well, myself.

When I was in primary school I used to get two reoccurring dreams, both involving my dad. He appeared in them like a cardboard cut out forever smiling but he always died. One involved a shark, he would get pulled under the water by it with this grin on his face registering no pain and there would be no blood but my dream self knew I would never see him again. The second involved me searching for him in a wood and calling for him until I would eventually find him being pulled into a hole with the same grin on his face and the certainty I wouldn’t see him again. I didn’t know it then but they were anxiety dreams.

 

One of the last anxiety dreams I had I woke up in bed looking at my husband who was asleep with his back to me and the Grim Reaper sitting on the bed next to him. I thought I must be hallucinating so I scrunched my eyes shut but when I opened them again he was still there with scythe in hand. The Grim Reaper sensed I was awake and the black hole under his hood turned over to look at me. In my head I said “No not him, take me instead”. We stared at each other for a moment, I blinked and the Grim reaper was gone, I checked my husband was still breathing. I rolled over onto my back and my husband was standing at the open wardrobe door fully dressed with his arms out in front of him, palms up. Then I must of actually woken up but it’s hard to tell with these dreams as I was still lying on my back and the wardrobe door was open but no hubby was there as he was lying in bed with his back to me asleep, I checked his breathing just in case.

I have taken anti depressants for five years now and they have stopped all of the above happening even if they do make me extremely tired I’d rather not be scared out of my wits pretty much every night. As much as I am a believer in not completely relying on medication the likes of St Johns Wort, exercise and meditation do not help with this aspect of anxiety and depression I can tell you!

By Lucy Williams